Right now, I'm feeling a little messed up. While reading chapter 149 of TsubasaRC, I just suddenly started crying while looking at page 17. (I think it's 17. The one where Sakura tells Kuro and Syao to look after Fai.) Don't even really know why - I mean, I've seen the entire chapter already yesterday or such, when the mini scans leaked out.
Maybe it's because, right now, I pretty much worship (or is it whorship? *needs dictionary*) Sakura. It's funny how I hated her in the beginning and how much I've come to adore her now - for months, I was deadly sure I'd never-ever be able to like her even a little. And now? I wish I had my own Sakura. A person so forgiving and caring and warm as her, to embrace you when you're being emo and hate all the world.
At the moment I'm pissed off at quite a lot of things. At my parents (especially my mother - I often wonder why on earth I happen to have a person as a mother that I would not even waste a second thought on if I met her as a random stranger), a friend that I feel kinda left me in the lurch (I'm not going into detail because that person might be reading this) and just everything. I hate the fact that I've only been playing violin for half a year now and am not able to tune my violin properly myself, so now during the holidays - without violin lessons once a week - Charlie is all out of tune and practising is no fun. I also hate how I can't restrain myself when it comes down to buying stuff. I just buy and buy and buy and have the feeling that I just need what I want to buy at the moment and only a day or some later, I often regret my choice. Now I've run out of money and owe my parents almost 250€ (which is almost 335$) and everything sucks. I mean, I'll have paid it off in a few months (I earn about 100€ every month by doing a paper round) but it's depressing to know you won't be able to buy anything for that time.
Anyway, something's definitely good. It has to do with the money - more precisely, with what I bought. I ordered a whole bunch of clothes at Candy Violet for my lolita wardrobe. I'm planning to wear all lolita clothes when I'm on vacation in Summer and I'm so happy about it! Maybe it'll boost my confidence enough to wear that stuff at school or in the town as well when I'm back here. It's pathetic - I'm getting stares and nasty comments already, even without wearing special clothes or looking extraordinary. (At least I think so.) Why do I bother if there's some more comments based on my wardrobe? Stupid brain. Stupid me.
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kjesta) wrote,
melancholy
